This is a difficult time of year for me. Lots of important dates are looming near, Easter, Mother's Day, Mason's birthday. It takes me awhile to process my feelings and understand them, I can be a little slow at times~just ask my brother! :-)
As many of us do in the spring, I do some deep cleaning. Last weekend was my bedroom. I decided it was time to clean out my "nightstand" otherwise known as the place to put everything that doesn't have an official home. As some of my frineds know, I like to organize things and throw out what I thought last month I couldn't do without! In the process of that enormous chore I came across all of the wonderful cards and letters people sent to us when Mason grew his wings. As I read each and every one again, the tears were flowing, this time for two reasons. The obvious~I miss that baby boy so terribly much! And the other reason~ I was realizing what wonderful friends I have. Not that I didn't know already but it was such a reminder as I read those notes of heartfelt condolences. The memories came flooding back of that day. I remember calling my dear friend as I left the hospital to tell her that Mason was gone. I was not doing very well as you would expect. It was such a comfort to know I could call her, a hysterical mess, and know she was there to listen and be my friend. In the next few days I saw just how many friends we had. To those I may not have thanked then-THANK YOU for being there! The phone calls and cards really do mean a lot! I am starting a new chapter of my life now- a new job that I love, new friends whom I also love, learning new things; but I cherish all of my "old" friends too. You have watched me as I have spent the last year and a half struggling, treading water. I work so hard, running all the time, trying to keep my mind busy and most of the time I don't move forward but keep spinning in the same place. And still you are there. I am treading water, the water being my emotions, so I don't get pulled under by them and drown. There are times I actually take a few strokes forward! And again, you are there to rejoice with me! What a great feeling! Sometimes the waves will wash me back out and I have to start over, but it is a process and I am making it. Once again, you are there to listen to the same story of hurt and loneliness, whatever would I do without you? I paste a smile on and head to work every day trying to ignore the hole in my heart for a while. That's all I can do, just keep on keeping on. Someday this pain will dull so they tell me. I am looking frward to that day! In the meantime, I appreciate you, all of my dear friends, old and new. I am sorry I don't tell you that more often! XOXO
As many of us do in the spring, I do some deep cleaning. Last weekend was my bedroom. I decided it was time to clean out my "nightstand" otherwise known as the place to put everything that doesn't have an official home. As some of my frineds know, I like to organize things and throw out what I thought last month I couldn't do without! In the process of that enormous chore I came across all of the wonderful cards and letters people sent to us when Mason grew his wings. As I read each and every one again, the tears were flowing, this time for two reasons. The obvious~I miss that baby boy so terribly much! And the other reason~ I was realizing what wonderful friends I have. Not that I didn't know already but it was such a reminder as I read those notes of heartfelt condolences. The memories came flooding back of that day. I remember calling my dear friend as I left the hospital to tell her that Mason was gone. I was not doing very well as you would expect. It was such a comfort to know I could call her, a hysterical mess, and know she was there to listen and be my friend. In the next few days I saw just how many friends we had. To those I may not have thanked then-THANK YOU for being there! The phone calls and cards really do mean a lot! I am starting a new chapter of my life now- a new job that I love, new friends whom I also love, learning new things; but I cherish all of my "old" friends too. You have watched me as I have spent the last year and a half struggling, treading water. I work so hard, running all the time, trying to keep my mind busy and most of the time I don't move forward but keep spinning in the same place. And still you are there. I am treading water, the water being my emotions, so I don't get pulled under by them and drown. There are times I actually take a few strokes forward! And again, you are there to rejoice with me! What a great feeling! Sometimes the waves will wash me back out and I have to start over, but it is a process and I am making it. Once again, you are there to listen to the same story of hurt and loneliness, whatever would I do without you? I paste a smile on and head to work every day trying to ignore the hole in my heart for a while. That's all I can do, just keep on keeping on. Someday this pain will dull so they tell me. I am looking frward to that day! In the meantime, I appreciate you, all of my dear friends, old and new. I am sorry I don't tell you that more often! XOXO
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