This was a strange year. I am still trying to process how I felt on the anniversary of Mason's death. 13 years! I guess that shows how long this grieving process takes- it still is going on for us. Sunday, the 21st of August this year, is the FIRST year that I didn't replay every minute, every hour of that day. In the past, every time I would look at the clock, I would go through what we were doing at that time on that day 13 years ago. This year I didn't do that! When I realized that I hadn't it was late in the day. Of course, I knew what day it was all day, I just didn't dwell on each moment. I wasn't sure how to feel about that.
The next day, Mason's daddy texted me and said "Yesterday was a rough day for our family once upon a time. I say it like that cause how could it be real. Every year I have tried not to remember that day cause it is a day that can mess me up just thinking about it. But I think yesterday was the first year I didn't let that happen. IDK how to feel about that but I know instead we packed our weekend with awesome things that I think Mason would of loved and we had a good weekend. I don't know how it makes me feel at this point but I was able to for the most part put aside the what ifs and whys yesterday. I love you."
Wow! We were both going through similar emotions at the same time! People say that everyone grieves at their own speed and in their own way. My son and I must have an amazing connection because at least in this instance, we were synched right up.
I really tried to analyze my feelings from that day. The next day, I was talking to my friend Ria and I cried like a little baby telling her about it. Delayed reaction? Maybe. But at least I didn't relive that day over and over.
Grieving is weird, scary, confusing, painful and so many other things. But I will say this: It doesn't really ever get better- the pain I mean. But we do learn how to live with it. We learn how to have weekends of joy doing things we think he would have loved, and days of tears missing him and wishing he was still here. I can't help but think we deserve to have both kinds of days. We NEED to have both. But I also think that he is happier when he looks down and sees us smile when we think of him.
The next day, Mason's daddy texted me and said "Yesterday was a rough day for our family once upon a time. I say it like that cause how could it be real. Every year I have tried not to remember that day cause it is a day that can mess me up just thinking about it. But I think yesterday was the first year I didn't let that happen. IDK how to feel about that but I know instead we packed our weekend with awesome things that I think Mason would of loved and we had a good weekend. I don't know how it makes me feel at this point but I was able to for the most part put aside the what ifs and whys yesterday. I love you."
Wow! We were both going through similar emotions at the same time! People say that everyone grieves at their own speed and in their own way. My son and I must have an amazing connection because at least in this instance, we were synched right up.
I really tried to analyze my feelings from that day. The next day, I was talking to my friend Ria and I cried like a little baby telling her about it. Delayed reaction? Maybe. But at least I didn't relive that day over and over.
Grieving is weird, scary, confusing, painful and so many other things. But I will say this: It doesn't really ever get better- the pain I mean. But we do learn how to live with it. We learn how to have weekends of joy doing things we think he would have loved, and days of tears missing him and wishing he was still here. I can't help but think we deserve to have both kinds of days. We NEED to have both. But I also think that he is happier when he looks down and sees us smile when we think of him.
RSS Feed
