You would have been 8 years old in 2 days. 8 years old!!! I wonder some days what you would be doing if you were still here. Would you have a super special wheelchair that you could run on your own? Would you be loving school? Would you still have that wonderful laugh that warmed my heart to hear? I don't know what would have been. But I do know this: When you were here you made me smile. You made me laugh. Sometimes you made me cry! When you were here your beautiful eyes charmed MANY people (and still do) and you left your imprint on so many hearts. When you were here, you were loved beyond belief, with every ounce of my being- and I know you loved me back. When you were here I loved to smell your sweet neck and kiss those cute cheeks. But now you are not here. So what now? Now you still make me smile. You even still make me laugh from time to time! I can still see your eyes and smile and although some days it makes me cry, most of the time it just makes my heart swell with the amazing love I still feel for you. Now, sometimes my heart aches and my arms feel empty. It's getting a little better as time goes on. I am learning to accept that it is going to hurt forever but I can handle it because I am strong. But one thing doesn't change. Now you are gone. And now, I miss you.
My sweet, sweet boy, Happy heavenly Thanksgiving! You must be celebrating up there, since now you can run and sing and enjoy all the fun things that 7 year old boys do! I am so grateful for the time we had with you. The selfish part of me wishes we had more time but I know that day will come. In the meantime, you are still helping other families with your legacy ~ I am so proud of you! Give Nana and Grandad a big hug from me. I miss you all so very much! I will think of your funny faces while I am eating mashed potatoes! I love you little man!
7 years old! All the things you would have been doing now! My comfort comes in knowing that you are doing so much more where you are. I am jealous, I would love to be able to spend this day (every day) with you to celebrate your birth but I know that you are celebrating with an even better companion today! Many of them in fact! Still, there is sadness in my heart. I am trying little man. I'm trying to be happy and find my "new normal" without you. It is hard most days. It seems fitting that today will be raining part of the day and sunny part of the day because that is how my emotions are running! Overall, I am just so thankful that when you were born we heard that tiny cry and you got to fight so hard just to spend 2 years with us. We will never forget them and cherish all the memories, the laughs, the funny faces, those beautiful eyes. I love you so much and can't wait to see you again! Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!!
I had a WONDERFUL Mother's Day this year! I haven't been able to say that and truly mean it for a long time. The absence of this beautiful boy has always cast a sadness over the joy. I didn't miss him any less this year, but somehow the joy of my other children and grandchildren helped ease that pain. Is it true what they say? Does this get easier with time? I would say No, it doesn't get easier. Things change and a new normal seems to evolve. We learn to live with the constant ache and empty feeling that is always there just under the surface. But we also learn to try and enjoy those we still have. Oh, I still have moments, hours and days of INTENSE sadness, pain and grief, but I am learning to handle them better. At least on the outside. As Mason's 7th birthday creeps up on us I can't help but wonder what our lives would be like if he were still here. Very different for sure. None of us would have had to know this pain that has forever changed and shaped our lives. I wish we didn't know it, but we do. So we will celebrate that short and amazing life and the next day we will hold his Golf Tournament so we can try to help all the other families who didn't choose to feel this life changing pain either. We love you to heaven and back little man. Oh yes, we love you so very much!!
Why today? Why is this day harder than yesterday? Nothing out of the ordinary happened, no reason for this overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness to have washed over me. But it has. I just have to make it through tonight and I know that tomorrow will be better. Right now, tonight seems like forever. I miss you my little big man! Miss that awesome laugh! Oh how I miss that laugh! I am trying really hard to make you proud though- and some days are really good! Just not today. No, not today.
It has been a difficult week little man. Really missing you. Remember the time we were in JoAnn's and I put that wig/witch hat on you? You looked so cute!! I went and picked out your Halloween decorations for this year. I wish I was picking out your costume instead. I wonder what you would want to be....
My job now is caring for people who have the same challenges that you had. They are grown up now though. I love going to work because I truly feel like I am caring for you all grown up. I treat them the way I know I would have wanted you to be treated. It helps me deal with you not being here most of the time. Not so much this week. This week my throat hurts from holding back tears. I can usually tell your story without crying but not this week. Why I wonder? I don't really know. Tomorrow I am going to take your decorations to you, maybe I will feel better after that. I doubt it, but maybe. I miss you precious boy. More that words can say I miss you.
I was talking to a dear, dear friend tonight on line explaining why moonflowers are your flower. Because they start over every single night, a fresh start. A new life almost. Maybe it is wishful thinking for me. I keep hoping that when I wake up in the morning this will have all just been a really bad dream.
10 days until your angelversary. 4 years you have been gone. 4 years of birthdyas, Christmas, Halloween, Mother's Day's without you. What would you be like precious boy? What would you be able to do. Lots, I'm sure! You were a fighter. Your legacy has helped so many people. You would be happy about that. Now I take care of adults with the same kind of struggles you had when you were here. It makes me feel closer to you. I miss you little man. I carry you in my heart and think of you every day. I will keep you there until we are together again. Love you to heaven and back <3
I can't believe that tomorrow would have been your sixth birthday! You would have been going to school now. I remember when they approached me with the suggestion that I start planning for you to ride the bus to school and go for 3 hours a day. I was TERRIFIED! 3 hours every day with people you didn't know and me not there? NOT! It was unthinkable at the time. Now, I would give almost anything to be able to send you on a bus and know that you would be coming home after 3 hours. I still have your wheelchair and I look at it whenever I am at the storage unit. I should probably donate it to someone but I can't quite part with it just yet. Just one of those things that I hold on to. Happy Birthday big boy! I can only imagine how big you would be. I love you so very much and miss you every day. Watch for your balloons tomorrow. I will make sure there is a Sponge Bob one for you! Love Nana
A Poem I found:
I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can’t be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year.
Now people who had came,
I sit and struggle all day long,
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
“She must move on and leave this place.”
Yet I am trapped right here in time.
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child…….Today.
My Special Angel:
For Loved Ones Lost
Such a fitting poem, especially for tomorrow...and today.
Today I got to listen to my dear friend Curt "The Hutch" Hutchinson on the radio again. Those who don't know who he is won't really get why that is such a big deal but I will tell you! WAY back when, more than 25 years ago, I was Curt's Dialysis Tech in his home. That kind of job is one where you become a part of someone's family. You spend many hours with them and get to know them so well! Most times, these relationships don't end well as the chances of a transplant are slim at best but after a year and some Curt got the call and we all raced to Seattle to get a new kidney! He recovered amazingly well. Our lives moved forward, I moved away, but always kept in touch with him and his beautiful wife Pam. Well, Curt finally lost the battle with his health and has been gone for a while now. This morning Pam posted an article from the radio station that had a recording of Curt talking to George Jones! It immediately brought tears to my eyes! I wonder if he is up there playing with Mason?? He was so good with kids I like to think they found each other and maybe Curt is telling Mason about the time he scared the CRAP out of me by putting on a gorilla mask and scratching on the window outside while I was setting up the dialysis machine. Or maybe the time he came home to me, Pam, Lindsay and Dana screaming our heads off while watching arachnophobia on TV while we waited for him to get home. I hope so! I hope they are giving hugs and laughing. My heart aches so for them! Love you to boys! Don't get into too much trouble together :-)
Here it is, another spring. A time when we should be joyous in the new beginning and looking forward to summertime fun. Instead, my heart is aching for my precious angel, and for all of the other families we have helped this year who I know are feeling the same way. I know that our children are so very happy where they are. Happier than they would ever be here, but it doesn't take the pain away. I wish it did. It is exhausting to have this emotional ache all the time.