7 years old! All the things you would have been doing now! My comfort comes in knowing that you are doing so much more where you are. I am jealous, I would love to be able to spend this day (every day) with you to celebrate your birth but I know that you are celebrating with an even better companion today! Many of them in fact! Still, there is sadness in my heart. I am trying little man. I'm trying to be happy and find my "new normal" without you. It is hard most days. It seems fitting that today will be raining part of the day and sunny part of the day because that is how my emotions are running! Overall, I am just so thankful that when you were born we heard that tiny cry and you got to fight so hard just to spend 2 years with us. We will never forget them and cherish all the memories, the laughs, the funny faces, those beautiful eyes. I love you so much and can't wait to see you again! Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!!
I had a WONDERFUL Mother's Day this year! I haven't been able to say that and truly mean it for a long time. The absence of this beautiful boy has always cast a sadness over the joy. I didn't miss him any less this year, but somehow the joy of my other children and grandchildren helped ease that pain. Is it true what they say? Does this get easier with time? I would say No, it doesn't get easier. Things change and a new normal seems to evolve. We learn to live with the constant ache and empty feeling that is always there just under the surface. But we also learn to try and enjoy those we still have. Oh, I still have moments, hours and days of INTENSE sadness, pain and grief, but I am learning to handle them better. At least on the outside. As Mason's 7th birthday creeps up on us I can't help but wonder what our lives would be like if he were still here. Very different for sure. None of us would have had to know this pain that has forever changed and shaped our lives. I wish we didn't know it, but we do. So we will celebrate that short and amazing life and the next day we will hold his Golf Tournament so we can try to help all the other families who didn't choose to feel this life changing pain either. We love you to heaven and back little man. Oh yes, we love you so very much!!
Why today? Why is this day harder than yesterday? Nothing out of the ordinary happened, no reason for this overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness to have washed over me. But it has. I just have to make it through tonight and I know that tomorrow will be better. Right now, tonight seems like forever. I miss you my little big man! Miss that awesome laugh! Oh how I miss that laugh! I am trying really hard to make you proud though- and some days are really good! Just not today. No, not today.
It has been a difficult week little man. Really missing you. Remember the time we were in JoAnn's and I put that wig/witch hat on you? You looked so cute!! I went and picked out your Halloween decorations for this year. I wish I was picking out your costume instead. I wonder what you would want to be....
My job now is caring for people who have the same challenges that you had. They are grown up now though. I love going to work because I truly feel like I am caring for you all grown up. I treat them the way I know I would have wanted you to be treated. It helps me deal with you not being here most of the time. Not so much this week. This week my throat hurts from holding back tears. I can usually tell your story without crying but not this week. Why I wonder? I don't really know. Tomorrow I am going to take your decorations to you, maybe I will feel better after that. I doubt it, but maybe. I miss you precious boy. More that words can say I miss you.
I was talking to a dear, dear friend tonight on line explaining why moonflowers are your flower. Because they start over every single night, a fresh start. A new life almost. Maybe it is wishful thinking for me. I keep hoping that when I wake up in the morning this will have all just been a really bad dream.
10 days until your angelversary. 4 years you have been gone. 4 years of birthdyas, Christmas, Halloween, Mother's Day's without you. What would you be like precious boy? What would you be able to do. Lots, I'm sure! You were a fighter. Your legacy has helped so many people. You would be happy about that. Now I take care of adults with the same kind of struggles you had when you were here. It makes me feel closer to you. I miss you little man. I carry you in my heart and think of you every day. I will keep you there until we are together again. Love you to heaven and back <3
I can't believe that tomorrow would have been your sixth birthday! You would have been going to school now. I remember when they approached me with the suggestion that I start planning for you to ride the bus to school and go for 3 hours a day. I was TERRIFIED! 3 hours every day with people you didn't know and me not there? NOT! It was unthinkable at the time. Now, I would give almost anything to be able to send you on a bus and know that you would be coming home after 3 hours. I still have your wheelchair and I look at it whenever I am at the storage unit. I should probably donate it to someone but I can't quite part with it just yet. Just one of those things that I hold on to. Happy Birthday big boy! I can only imagine how big you would be. I love you so very much and miss you every day. Watch for your balloons tomorrow. I will make sure there is a Sponge Bob one for you! Love Nana
A Poem I found:
I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can’t be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year.
Now people who had came,
I sit and struggle all day long,
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
“She must move on and leave this place.”
Yet I am trapped right here in time.
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child…….Today.
My Special Angel:
For Loved Ones Lost
Such a fitting poem, especially for tomorrow...and today.
Today I got to listen to my dear friend Curt "The Hutch" Hutchinson on the radio again. Those who don't know who he is won't really get why that is such a big deal but I will tell you! WAY back when, more than 25 years ago, I was Curt's Dialysis Tech in his home. That kind of job is one where you become a part of someone's family. You spend many hours with them and get to know them so well! Most times, these relationships don't end well as the chances of a transplant are slim at best but after a year and some Curt got the call and we all raced to Seattle to get a new kidney! He recovered amazingly well. Our lives moved forward, I moved away, but always kept in touch with him and his beautiful wife Pam. Well, Curt finally lost the battle with his health and has been gone for a while now. This morning Pam posted an article from the radio station that had a recording of Curt talking to George Jones! It immediately brought tears to my eyes! I wonder if he is up there playing with Mason?? He was so good with kids I like to think they found each other and maybe Curt is telling Mason about the time he scared the CRAP out of me by putting on a gorilla mask and scratching on the window outside while I was setting up the dialysis machine. Or maybe the time he came home to me, Pam, Lindsay and Dana screaming our heads off while watching arachnophobia on TV while we waited for him to get home. I hope so! I hope they are giving hugs and laughing. My heart aches so for them! Love you to boys! Don't get into too much trouble together :-)
Here it is, another spring. A time when we should be joyous in the new beginning and looking forward to summertime fun. Instead, my heart is aching for my precious angel, and for all of the other families we have helped this year who I know are feeling the same way. I know that our children are so very happy where they are. Happier than they would ever be here, but it doesn't take the pain away. I wish it did. It is exhausting to have this emotional ache all the time.
Today is another sad day for our family as we say good-bye to my father-in-law, Fred Taylor. I know he is up in heaven playing with Mason and feeling no pain. The painis for us to feel. How selfish we are to wish that we could still be with them. I met Fred 22 years ago, it seems like a lifetime. He was there when almost every major event in my life has happened. He sat and comforted me when Mason left. He was a wonderful man who will be truly missed.
Pop, I will miss you! I will miss the hugs and hearing you call me honey. Give Mason a huge hug for me and Mason give him one back from me. I can't wait to see you both again.
I know I am a few days late. I ended up unexpectedly spending Thanksgiving in Idaho with my wonderful Father and mother-in-law. Once again I was reminded that we should never take for granted the time we have with the people we love. Any day could be our last. I had dreams of Mason all night last night, sure do wish he was here eating turkey with us. His favorite was mashed potatoes though. A family in our community had to say goodbye to their beautiful little boy just before the holiday. For them, this season will never be the same. My heart is aching for them as they begin this painful journey. I so wish that no one would ever have to go through the pain of losing a child. I wish I had words of advice to offer them that would make it easier but I don't. It never seems to get easier. The pain~ well, it is always there. Somehow we learn how to function in spite of it but it never goes away. Tonite I am in that "I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours" mood. I am tired of hurting and tired of missing that baby boy and I just want to hug him and smell hm again. That is just tonight though. Tomorrow I will put on my strong face, head off to work and pretend to be just like everyone else. Tomorrow.