7 years. 7 years ago I held you and prayed that I was having a nightmare and would wake up. But I didn't. I prayed I would see your chest rise and fall and that they had made a mistake, but it didn't. At that moment I truly thought my life was over, I almost wished it was. Today I told myself not to relive that moment, that day. I told myself not to open myself up to feel that pain again but it comes anyway. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. 7 years ago. Now I try to think of it as this: 7 years ago you learned to walk. You learned to run and do summersaults. You learned to talk and sing. You sat on Jesus lap for the first time. You looked down and wished that we weren't so sad because you are so happy. I still miss you. It still hurts-some days are still almost unbearable. Other days I can remember the funny things you did and smile. Would I rather you were here with us? Selfishly, yes I sure would! I would even trade places with you if I could. But I can't. So look down on us today while we take you some flowers and a toy and wrap us in your love because we need it. That is all we can do now, take flowers and a toy to your grave that we think you might have liked if you were 9 years old and here with us. Silly? Some people probably think so. But if it helps bring us a little comfort, makes us feel a little closer to you if even for a little while, then I will be silly. I loved you more than you will ever know and still do. I can't wait for the day that I will see you again and hold you close. Run in peace my sweet little man!!
What a beautiful day! The sun is shining and I know it is your gift to us today! Yesterday I spent most of the day with a friend getting your garden started. I am SO excited! It looks amazing which is fitting because you were so amazing! This morning Papa put your angel out there. She is just beautiful! I hope you look down love it! There is still a lot to do, plant flowers, fill the pond, add some goldfish! It is going to be beautiful and serene and a wonderful place to go and just enjoy the memories of you! I love you so much little man! I wish you were here to see all the good you have done in this world since you left us! I miss you every day!! XOXO Nana
Happy Easter Angel
Happy Easter Sweet Boy! As I see all the posts of kids with their Easter baskets I think of you and know you are up there in Heaven celebrating this day with Jesus-celebrating the fact that he rose from the dead! What an amazing celebration that must be! Much better than looking for eggs and eating candy! As much as I wish you were here I am jealous that you are spending today with the reason we celebrate! I love you ~ always and forever!
I wish I had known 6 years ago that this would be your last day. I would have spent every single minute holding and kissing you, making sure you knew just how much you are loved! I wish I hadn't gone to work that night. I wish there were no such thing as seizures that can steal away a precious life when we least expect it. I wish I understood God's plan and why he took you. I wish you could see how many families you have helped since you left! I wish...I just wish.
Now and then
You would have been 8 years old in 2 days. 8 years old!!! I wonder some days what you would be doing if you were still here. Would you have a super special wheelchair that you could run on your own? Would you be loving school? Would you still have that wonderful laugh that warmed my heart to hear? I don't know what would have been. But I do know this: When you were here you made me smile. You made me laugh. Sometimes you made me cry! When you were here your beautiful eyes charmed MANY people (and still do) and you left your imprint on so many hearts. When you were here, you were loved beyond belief, with every ounce of my being- and I know you loved me back. When you were here I loved to smell your sweet neck and kiss those cute cheeks. But now you are not here. So what now? Now you still make me smile. You even still make me laugh from time to time! I can still see your eyes and smile and although some days it makes me cry, most of the time it just makes my heart swell with the amazing love I still feel for you. Now, sometimes my heart aches and my arms feel empty. It's getting a little better as time goes on. I am learning to accept that it is going to hurt forever but I can handle it because I am strong. But one thing doesn't change. Now you are gone. And now, I miss you.
Happy Heavenly Thanksgiving!
My sweet, sweet boy, Happy heavenly Thanksgiving! You must be celebrating up there, since now you can run and sing and enjoy all the fun things that 7 year old boys do! I am so grateful for the time we had with you. The selfish part of me wishes we had more time but I know that day will come. In the meantime, you are still helping other families with your legacy ~ I am so proud of you! Give Nana and Grandad a big hug from me. I miss you all so very much! I will think of your funny faces while I am eating mashed potatoes! I love you little man!
Happy Birthday Angel
7 years old! All the things you would have been doing now! My comfort comes in knowing that you are doing so much more where you are. I am jealous, I would love to be able to spend this day (every day) with you to celebrate your birth but I know that you are celebrating with an even better companion today! Many of them in fact! Still, there is sadness in my heart. I am trying little man. I'm trying to be happy and find my "new normal" without you. It is hard most days. It seems fitting that today will be raining part of the day and sunny part of the day because that is how my emotions are running! Overall, I am just so thankful that when you were born we heard that tiny cry and you got to fight so hard just to spend 2 years with us. We will never forget them and cherish all the memories, the laughs, the funny faces, those beautiful eyes. I love you so much and can't wait to see you again! Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!!
I had a WONDERFUL Mother's Day this year! I haven't been able to say that and truly mean it for a long time. The absence of this beautiful boy has always cast a sadness over the joy. I didn't miss him any less this year, but somehow the joy of my other children and grandchildren helped ease that pain. Is it true what they say? Does this get easier with time? I would say No, it doesn't get easier. Things change and a new normal seems to evolve. We learn to live with the constant ache and empty feeling that is always there just under the surface. But we also learn to try and enjoy those we still have. Oh, I still have moments, hours and days of INTENSE sadness, pain and grief, but I am learning to handle them better. At least on the outside. As Mason's 7th birthday creeps up on us I can't help but wonder what our lives would be like if he were still here. Very different for sure. None of us would have had to know this pain that has forever changed and shaped our lives. I wish we didn't know it, but we do. So we will celebrate that short and amazing life and the next day we will hold his Golf Tournament so we can try to help all the other families who didn't choose to feel this life changing pain either. We love you to heaven and back little man. Oh yes, we love you so very much!!
Why today? Why is this day harder than yesterday? Nothing out of the ordinary happened, no reason for this overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness to have washed over me. But it has. I just have to make it through tonight and I know that tomorrow will be better. Right now, tonight seems like forever. I miss you my little big man! Miss that awesome laugh! Oh how I miss that laugh! I am trying really hard to make you proud though- and some days are really good! Just not today. No, not today.
It has been a difficult week little man. Really missing you. Remember the time we were in JoAnn's and I put that wig/witch hat on you? You looked so cute!! I went and picked out your Halloween decorations for this year. I wish I was picking out your costume instead. I wonder what you would want to be....
My job now is caring for people who have the same challenges that you had. They are grown up now though. I love going to work because I truly feel like I am caring for you all grown up. I treat them the way I know I would have wanted you to be treated. It helps me deal with you not being here most of the time. Not so much this week. This week my throat hurts from holding back tears. I can usually tell your story without crying but not this week. Why I wonder? I don't really know. Tomorrow I am going to take your decorations to you, maybe I will feel better after that. I doubt it, but maybe. I miss you precious boy. More that words can say I miss you.
I was talking to a dear, dear friend tonight on line explaining why moonflowers are your flower. Because they start over every single night, a fresh start. A new life almost. Maybe it is wishful thinking for me. I keep hoping that when I wake up in the morning this will have all just been a really bad dream.