Every day on my way to work I stop by to visit Mason. Some days I read to him, some days I talk to him, some days I just sit there and cry and miss him. Last week, as I was driving up to the cemetary, I was taken back 6 months ago to the day we all stood in the bright sunshine and laid our baby boy to rest. I looked over and there was another family, all standing around the table where a beautiful urn and lots of flowers were placed so carefully, perfectly, for their tiny angel who is now playing with Mason. I thought to myself, "That was us, standing there, sitting there, our hearts broken. Not wanting to be there but not wanting to leave because this was the last thing to do before we had to go back to trying to live our lives." I didn't stop that day. I didn't want to interfere with their goodbyes, and yet I wanted to go over there and hug them and say, "I know how you feel. It's not OK so I won't tell you that it will be. I understand the feeling of pain that is all consuming right now and I wish I could make it go away but I can't."
I think that many friends of parents who have lost a child tend to avoid talking about it with them. I understand it, but I hope to clear some of that up for them. We WANT to talk about our little boy! He was a huge part of our life and we want to remember him. We might cry when you ask us how we are but that is OK, it's part of our healing process and it takes a very long time to heal, if ever. It doesn't make us uncomfortable to talk about him, he was beautiful and happy and we have so many good memories of him, so please do ask! We could be having a really bad day that day and maybe we just need to be able to cry with someone else instead of alone. If you see me at the cemetary it's ok to stop by and say hello to me and to Mason. And if I am crying and you don't know what to say to me, just say "I am here. I don't know what to say but I am here." That's enough, just to know that our friends are still our friends.
I was given this poem by our gref counselor and it was perfect so I am going to add it here in hopes that it will help people who just aren't sure what to do when someone loses someone that they love.
PLEASE, SEE ME THROUGH MY TEARS....
You asked, "How are you doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes. You immediately began to talk again, your eyes looked away from me, your speech picked up, and all the attention you had given me went away.
How am I doing? I do better when people will listen to my response, even though I may shed a tear or two, for I so want their attention; but to be ignored because I have in me pain which is indescribable to anyone who has not been there, I hurt and feel angry. So when you look away, I am again alone with it.
Really, tears are not a bad sign you know! They're natures way of helping me to heal. They relieve some of the stress of sadness. I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brought this sadness to me. No, you're wrong, the memory of my child's death will always be with me, only a thought away. It's just that my tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain, it's just there.
When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless? You're not, you know. When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you've helped me more than you know.
You need not verbalize your support of my tears, your silence as I cry is my key, do not fear.
Your listening with your heart to "how are you doing?" helps relieve the pain, because once I allow the tears to come and go, I feel lighter. Talking to you releases things I've been wanting to say aloud, and then there's space for a touch of joy in my life.
Honest, when I tear up and cry, that doesn't mean I will cry forever- maybe just a minute or two- then I'll wipe the tears away, and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing at something funny ten minutes later.
When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, and my stomach begins to knot up, because I am trying to protect you from my tears. Then we both hurt. Me, because I've kept the pain inside and it's a shield against our closeness, and then you hurt because suddenly we're distant.
Please, take my hand, and I promise not to cry forever. (It's physically impossible you know)
When you see through my tears, then we can be close again.
take care all, and take it one day at a time.
I think that many friends of parents who have lost a child tend to avoid talking about it with them. I understand it, but I hope to clear some of that up for them. We WANT to talk about our little boy! He was a huge part of our life and we want to remember him. We might cry when you ask us how we are but that is OK, it's part of our healing process and it takes a very long time to heal, if ever. It doesn't make us uncomfortable to talk about him, he was beautiful and happy and we have so many good memories of him, so please do ask! We could be having a really bad day that day and maybe we just need to be able to cry with someone else instead of alone. If you see me at the cemetary it's ok to stop by and say hello to me and to Mason. And if I am crying and you don't know what to say to me, just say "I am here. I don't know what to say but I am here." That's enough, just to know that our friends are still our friends.
I was given this poem by our gref counselor and it was perfect so I am going to add it here in hopes that it will help people who just aren't sure what to do when someone loses someone that they love.
PLEASE, SEE ME THROUGH MY TEARS....
You asked, "How are you doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes. You immediately began to talk again, your eyes looked away from me, your speech picked up, and all the attention you had given me went away.
How am I doing? I do better when people will listen to my response, even though I may shed a tear or two, for I so want their attention; but to be ignored because I have in me pain which is indescribable to anyone who has not been there, I hurt and feel angry. So when you look away, I am again alone with it.
Really, tears are not a bad sign you know! They're natures way of helping me to heal. They relieve some of the stress of sadness. I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brought this sadness to me. No, you're wrong, the memory of my child's death will always be with me, only a thought away. It's just that my tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain, it's just there.
When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless? You're not, you know. When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you've helped me more than you know.
You need not verbalize your support of my tears, your silence as I cry is my key, do not fear.
Your listening with your heart to "how are you doing?" helps relieve the pain, because once I allow the tears to come and go, I feel lighter. Talking to you releases things I've been wanting to say aloud, and then there's space for a touch of joy in my life.
Honest, when I tear up and cry, that doesn't mean I will cry forever- maybe just a minute or two- then I'll wipe the tears away, and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing at something funny ten minutes later.
When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, and my stomach begins to knot up, because I am trying to protect you from my tears. Then we both hurt. Me, because I've kept the pain inside and it's a shield against our closeness, and then you hurt because suddenly we're distant.
Please, take my hand, and I promise not to cry forever. (It's physically impossible you know)
When you see through my tears, then we can be close again.
take care all, and take it one day at a time.
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