I was almost surprised when I looked at this and saw how long it has been since I have written. It is not because I don't think about him every day because that is just part of my normal. I think I am beginning to heal....finally!! Oh yes, I do still cry. Who wouldn't? I miss that little guy, I miss his smell, his laugh and everything about him. But now I can think of him and smile almost every time. When I go shopping for him, most recently for his Easter things, I can think about it in a way that doesn't hurt quite as bad. I would much rather be coloring eggs with him. Most certainly! But I can't. So instead, I got him a bunny and beautiful ceramic rabbit to set by his marker. I cleaned the leaves off and polished his name. I talked to him and told him about all of the families his foundation has been helping. I told him I miss him. But I didn't cry. Not at that moment. I stood looking at all of the small graves that have been added since we laid him there. Too many. And those are just here in our small city. Too many mothers and fathers grieving. Some just starting down this road. If only I could be there for each of them to let them know that I understand. I know that feeling that it would just be easier to go to sleep and not wake up. If I cry any more my eyes are going to quit producing tears. I want to lay down and sleep by his marker because that is as close as I can get. I also wish I could let them know that, after 8 years, I am beginning to live again. I am finding joy in things. I don't feel so guilty every time I laugh about something. Does it still stab my heart- oh you bet it does! But now, I know that I am going to get through this and that someday, he will be waiting for me, jumping, laughing and yelling Nana!!!! And I can't wait!!!!!! Someday I hope that all of the families in this club that no one wants to join will feel that sense of hope that I feel now. It is not a fun row to hoe. We would all "unjoin" this group if we could. But we can't, so the only thing left to do is live for them and wait-because the day will come that we will all be together again. I love you Scooter!! You left a huge mark!!!