Yesterday was Mason's 14th birthday. Today was my beloved Nana's birthday. They left here 3 weeks apart from each other. This is a difficult week for me. I miss both of them so much! It is so hard to believe they have been gone for 12 years. Time goes by too fast. 
In a support group that I am a part of I see mother's post that they have lost their child 5 months, 10 months, 5 years ago. They always ask if the pain gets any better. I wonder if I should tell them that it does. To give them some kind of hope that this searing pain goes away someday. Is it cruel to be honest and say "It never goes away. You just get better at covering it up!"? Sometimes I think it is better to be honest but other times I think that if we knew that this never ends we would give up. 
I think that the answer is this: It hurts. Every day. Some days are worse. Birthdays, death days, holidays....so many days. Some days are better! Your new grandchild is born! Your other children grow up, get married and have children. Is it wrong to be happy during those times? NO!! You have to keep living. Keep loving. To do that, you have to learn to accept that there will always be a hole in your heart, in your SOUL. Things will never be the same as they were "before". 
Sometimes I go through the anger stage again. (They say we move through the stages and go back and forth and start over etc. I have found that to be true.) I am angry that I don't get to celebrate his birthday with him. I am angry that I am angry! I am angry because I don't want to hurt anymore.  Then I go to the next stage- If God will let the rest of my children be ok I will accept this pain. If he will make sure that my grandchildren are safe and happy I will accept this pain. Who am I to bargain with God??? Argh!!! He knows, he knew when Mason was born the day he would leave here. Oh dang here comes the anger again. Back and forth. I could go on and on. Eventually we get to the acceptance point. What else can we do? Nothing will ever change the fact that my beautiful boy is dancing in heaven with Nana, Granddad, Kira and so many others. I should feel jealous!! Oh to be there and hear that beautiful music, to sit by Jesus' knee and have him tell me that this was all in his plan. 
Someday. In the meantime, we will help as many families as we can travel down this awful road. And we will LOVE all of our family that is still here with us. 
I can do that! 
​Happy Birthday Mason and Happy Birthday Nana. You are so loved and missed every single day!!!

Today I am sitting by and watching a longtime dear friend start down this awful road. Any time I help any family it brings back some of the feelings from the day Mason left us. Today it really hit hard. Maybe because I knew this beautiful young lady, maybe because it was so unexpected, maybe because her mother is my friend or maybe all three. All I know is that all of the sudden, as soon as I read the message, I felt my heart explode and the tears start. All of the feelings came in a rush- I don't want her to have to feel this pain!! We aren't supposed to bury our children!!!! I am so far away and can't help her through this! The anger, sadness and helpless feelings that are near the surface just came out. 
I wish I could take this pain for her. It is a pain that no one should ever have to go through. I still don't understand why ANY of our children go before us. Please pray for all of the mothers, fathers, families and friends of anyone who is going through this terrible tragedy. Be there for them when they are ready. Rest in paradise Kira and give Mason a hug for me. 

I feel like I need to write today to address something that was made very clear to me this weekend. I got to spend some much needed time with Mason's daddy this weekend! It was so wonderful! We got to have his birthday along with Mason's twin uncles birthday together and had so much fun! Part of what we did was go visit Mason. That may not seem like a big deal to most people but for Deven it was a huge step. He has avoided Mason's spot because it hurts to be there. Today before he left we went there along with his girlfriend, her daughters and Bret. Did it hurt? YES! But Deven said something this weekend that hit home and I wanted to talk about it here. We were talking about his tattoo of Mason. He said it is fading- MASON is fading. I don't want him to fade away. I had to think about that for a while to know what to say. 
Although the tattoo is fading, Mason never will. The memories are not as clear as they were 10 years ago. But, the happy things are still there. The way he would laugh so hard, the way he hated his walking therapy, the amazing smile, seeing his face light up when Daddy would come to pick him up after work and SOOOO many  more. What is fading a little bit is the horrific, paralyzing pain that doubles me over and can cause days of depression that I can't pull myself out of. Along with that, comes the guilt that I CAN pull myself out of it! Why should I be happy when he is gone? Why should I love and live when he can't? I think that this is God's way of making this bearable until we can be with him again. If we continued to live with that agonizing, all encompassing, just let me die with him pain for the rest of our lives it would be unbearable. I don't believe that Mason would have wanted that for any of us. I don't know exactly what Deven feels all the time but I hope and pray he has happy moments. Mason will NEVER fade away. He holds a huge piece of our hearts and always will. The pain gets easier to bear but it is there and will be forever. We learn how to deal with it. And we know that when we are with each other, we can go to his special place and cry together because it still hurts like hell. But we can do that, comfort each other and then pick ourselves back up and smile knowing that Mason is still up there, with his great grandparents, saving our seats at the table. Someday, I will be there too waiting for the rest of my family when we can all celebrate and be completely happy again.
So when you feel the guilt from having a happy moment, remind yourself that it is ok. 
​We love you Mason. We will NEVER forget you and we won't let you fade away. 

Wow. It has been a while since I have updated this blog. Rest assured, we have still been helping families! More than I wish we had to. Nothing breaks my heart more than knowing that another family is going through the pain that comes with losing a child. Unfortunately, it happens much more often that we think. 
This year has brought so many changes. Not just COVID and the craziness attached to that but in my personal life as well. That happens with everyone doesn't it?
A change in my career has found me living a couple of hours from home and away from family. That support that I may have taken for granted before, I appreciate even more now. I miss being able to go to Mason's spot. I don't do that near as often now, I have a happier place to remember him on our property. But now, I don't get to visit that place as often either. 
Most people who come to this site have recently lost a child. This blog, I hope, will let you know that there are other people out here that have walked your road and have gone through the conflicting feelings you might be going through. 
I miss our boy. So much that it physically hurts. Yes, even now. 11 years later. Do I still relive that day? Oh, yes I do. Is it only on the anniversary of the day he left? No. It can come any day. And when the thoughts start playing through my mind, I truly do tell myself to STOP thinking about that day. Stop going through every minute, every thing that happened. To think of the happier memories. But does it stop the thoughts from coming? Absolutely not. Do I cry every time? No. But most of the time, yes. When I see the memes on Facebook asking "If you could spend an hour with someone who would it be?" My immediate thought is MASON. What I wouldn't give to spend an hour, a MINUTE with him again. Just to hear him laugh and see those amazing eyes! To hold him while he is still warm and breathing. God!! It is still so hard!!! Would I trade places with him? In a HEARTBEAT! But I can't. So what do I do? Try to help other people. Through the foundation. Through my job. Just in any way I can. 
 I wish more than ever I could have celebrated Christmas with that beautiful boy. I wish he could have met his cousin. I wish I didn't feel this pain. But it is what it is. 
What is my plan for 2021? To focus more on Mason's Foundation. To figure out how I can help other families who are going through this. To make Mason's Corner on our property the most amazing and HAPPY place I can so I can go out there and remember the awesome things about him. That giggle, the amazing eyes, the look of disdain when he had to do PT, him saying "Hi" and being so happy to see me when I came home from work, him sleeping on Papa's chest- all of it.
Mothers- you will make it through this. It may not feel like it at this moment but you will.
Fathers- We haven't forgotten you. Those men who try not to cry, who fight to be strong for us, but who hurt as much or maybe even more, than we do. The men who think it isn't "manly" to cry and talk about how much you miss your child. I see you. I know you hurt. I am praying for you.
Grandparents- you have the hardest spot! People say "Oh it wasn't your child. It was JUST your grandchild." Well, you are not only grieving the loss of this beautiful child you had been waiting for, but you are grieving for YOUR child who is grieving for THIER child. You have double the pain.
All you can do is the best you can with what you have at that moment. 
Mason, I love you. More than you ever knew. I will love you until the day I hold you again.
I feel blessed that through your leaving us we are able to help other families. You are an angel always!
I wish this had never happened. I wish I didn't know what it felt like to bury a child, to watch your son in pain but have no idea how to help him through it. But that was my lot in life. And so here I am. 
I will pray for every family going through this. Someday, we will all hold those precious children we had to let go of too soon. 
​

 I told myself that this year I wasn't going to go back to that morning. I didn't want to relive it again. But every time I looked at a clock I would think, "It was this time that I got the call." " I would have been driving that never-ending drive to the hospital about now" "I was holding him and praying this was a bad dream". This day does not hold happy memories for me. It never will again.
8 years ago today I was beyond devastated. I thought I would never smile or feel true joy again. It's strange how we move through these paths of grief. I could barely function for at least the first 18 months. Then, when I would feel joy, I felt guilty. How could I be happy when he is not here? I would cry almost every time I talked about him. The pain of missing him was still all encompassing. As time goes on I find myself changing. Oh it stills hurts and I still miss him more than I could ever put into words. I still wish I could go back in time and keep him awake all night that night. But now I can talk about him without crying every time. When I start to get angry that he was taken something will happen- like last week receiving an e-mail that a family was told their baby would be born sleeping and they may need Mason's Foundation to help pay for his burial. Then I feel selfish! I got to hold him and kiss him for 2 years 2 months and 8 days!! I got so smell his sweet breath and change his not so sweet diapers! I got to hear him laugh and hear him cry. Those parents didn't get to do that. Their precious angel never did those things. So I re-think this a bit and realize that I was lucky. I was lucky he lived through that first month when they didn't think he would. I wish he could have stayed longer but I am so thankful for the time we had. I feel as though this tragedy has helped me be more empathetic, not only when we are helping these families who are just starting down this path, but also in my career as I help other families at the opposite end of the spectrum.
Oh precious boy! My throat is swelling and tears are coming. I went there, back to that day even though I tried not to. I thought about every second of that day and of tomorrow when I would hold you for the very last time. I think it is ok that the tears are falling- I don't let them very much anymore. Sometimes we just need to let that pain out. This is MY time- to be selfish, to hurt and to wallow in it for a little while. But tomorrow I will go to work and smile and no one will know that I spent this evening grieving for you. Tomorrow I will be ready for the calls again from parents who are preparing to do what we have already done- bury their beloved child. And I will help them. Because I am strong and you helped make me that way. I love you to the moon and back.  

I was almost surprised when I looked at this and saw how long it has been since I have written. It is not because I don't think about him every day because that is just part of my normal. I think I am beginning to heal....finally!! Oh yes, I do still cry. Who wouldn't? I miss that little guy, I miss his smell, his laugh and everything about him. But now I can think of him and smile almost every time. When I go shopping for him, most recently for his Easter things, I can think about it in a way that doesn't hurt quite as bad. I would much rather be coloring eggs with him. Most certainly! But I can't. So instead, I got him a bunny and beautiful ceramic rabbit to set by his marker. I cleaned the leaves off and polished his name. I talked to him and told him about all of the families his foundation has been helping. I told him I miss him. But I didn't cry. Not at that moment. I stood looking at all of the small graves that have been added since we laid him there. Too many. And those are just here in our small city. Too many mothers and fathers grieving. Some just starting down this road. If only I could be there for each of them to let them know that I understand. I know that feeling that it would just be easier to go to sleep and not wake up. If I cry any more my eyes are going to quit producing tears. I want to lay down and sleep by his marker because that is as close as I can get. I also wish I could let them know that, after 8 years, I am beginning to live again. I am finding joy in things. I don't feel so guilty every time I laugh about something. Does it still stab my heart- oh you bet it does! But now, I know that I am going to get through this and that someday, he will be waiting for me, jumping, laughing and yelling Nana!!!! And I can't wait!!!!!! Someday I hope that all of the families in this club that no one wants to join will feel that sense of hope that I feel now. It is not a fun row to hoe. We would all "unjoin" this group if we could. But we can't, so the only thing left to do is live for them and wait-because the day will come that we will all be together again. I love you Scooter!! You left a huge mark!!!

7 years. 7 years ago I held you and prayed that I was having a nightmare and would wake up. But I didn't. I prayed I would see your chest rise and fall and that they had made a mistake, but it didn't. At that moment I truly thought my life was over, I almost wished it was. Today I told myself not to relive that moment, that day. I told myself not to open myself up to feel that pain again but it comes anyway. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. 7 years ago. Now I try to think of it as this: 7 years ago you learned to walk. You learned to run and do summersaults. You learned to talk and sing. You sat on Jesus lap for the first time. You looked down and wished that we weren't so sad because you are so happy. I still miss you. It still hurts-some days are still almost unbearable. Other days I can remember the funny things you did and smile. Would I rather you were here with us? Selfishly, yes I sure would! I would even trade places with you if I could. But I can't. So look down on us today while we take you some flowers and a toy and wrap us in your love because we need it. That is all we can do now, take flowers and a toy to your grave that we think you might have liked if you were 9 years old and here with us. Silly? Some people probably think so. But if it helps bring us a little comfort, makes us feel a little closer to you if even for a little while, then I will be silly. I loved you more than you will ever know and still do. I can't wait for the day that I will see you again and hold you close. Run in peace my sweet little man!!

What a beautiful day! The sun is shining and I know it is your gift to us today! Yesterday I spent most of the day with a friend getting your garden started. I am SO excited! It looks amazing which is fitting because you were so amazing! This morning Papa put your angel out there. She is just beautiful! I hope you look down love it! There is still a lot to do, plant flowers, fill the pond, add some goldfish! It is going to be beautiful and serene and a wonderful place to go and just enjoy the memories of you! I love you so much little man! I wish you were here to see all the good you have done in this world since you left us! I miss you every day!! XOXO Nana