Although the tattoo is fading, Mason never will. The memories are not as clear as they were 10 years ago. But, the happy things are still there. The way he would laugh so hard, the way he hated his walking therapy, the amazing smile, seeing his face light up when Daddy would come to pick him up after work and SOOOO many more. What is fading a little bit is the horrific, paralyzing pain that doubles me over and can cause days of depression that I can't pull myself out of. Along with that, comes the guilt that I CAN pull myself out of it! Why should I be happy when he is gone? Why should I love and live when he can't? I think that this is God's way of making this bearable until we can be with him again. If we continued to live with that agonizing, all encompassing, just let me die with him pain for the rest of our lives it would be unbearable. I don't believe that Mason would have wanted that for any of us. I don't know exactly what Deven feels all the time but I hope and pray he has happy moments. Mason will NEVER fade away. He holds a huge piece of our hearts and always will. The pain gets easier to bear but it is there and will be forever. We learn how to deal with it. And we know that when we are with each other, we can go to his special place and cry together because it still hurts like hell. But we can do that, comfort each other and then pick ourselves back up and smile knowing that Mason is still up there, with his great grandparents, saving our seats at the table. Someday, I will be there too waiting for the rest of my family when we can all celebrate and be completely happy again.
So when you feel the guilt from having a happy moment, remind yourself that it is ok.
We love you Mason. We will NEVER forget you and we won't let you fade away.