In a support group that I am a part of I see mother's post that they have lost their child 5 months, 10 months, 5 years ago. They always ask if the pain gets any better. I wonder if I should tell them that it does. To give them some kind of hope that this searing pain goes away someday. Is it cruel to be honest and say "It never goes away. You just get better at covering it up!"? Sometimes I think it is better to be honest but other times I think that if we knew that this never ends we would give up.
I think that the answer is this: It hurts. Every day. Some days are worse. Birthdays, death days, holidays....so many days. Some days are better! Your new grandchild is born! Your other children grow up, get married and have children. Is it wrong to be happy during those times? NO!! You have to keep living. Keep loving. To do that, you have to learn to accept that there will always be a hole in your heart, in your SOUL. Things will never be the same as they were "before".
Sometimes I go through the anger stage again. (They say we move through the stages and go back and forth and start over etc. I have found that to be true.) I am angry that I don't get to celebrate his birthday with him. I am angry that I am angry! I am angry because I don't want to hurt anymore. Then I go to the next stage- If God will let the rest of my children be ok I will accept this pain. If he will make sure that my grandchildren are safe and happy I will accept this pain. Who am I to bargain with God??? Argh!!! He knows, he knew when Mason was born the day he would leave here. Oh dang here comes the anger again. Back and forth. I could go on and on. Eventually we get to the acceptance point. What else can we do? Nothing will ever change the fact that my beautiful boy is dancing in heaven with Nana, Granddad, Kira and so many others. I should feel jealous!! Oh to be there and hear that beautiful music, to sit by Jesus' knee and have him tell me that this was all in his plan.
Someday. In the meantime, we will help as many families as we can travel down this awful road. And we will LOVE all of our family that is still here with us.
I can do that!
Happy Birthday Mason and Happy Birthday Nana. You are so loved and missed every single day!!!