I told myself that this year I wasn't going to go back to that morning. I didn't want to relive it again. But every time I looked at a clock I would think, "It was this time that I got the call." " I would have been driving that never-ending drive to the hospital about now" "I was holding him and praying this was a bad dream". This day does not hold happy memories for me. It never will again.
8 years ago today I was beyond devastated. I thought I would never smile or feel true joy again. It's strange how we move through these paths of grief. I could barely function for at least the first 18 months. Then, when I would feel joy, I felt guilty. How could I be happy when he is not here? I would cry almost every time I talked about him. The pain of missing him was still all encompassing. As time goes on I find myself changing. Oh it stills hurts and I still miss him more than I could ever put into words. I still wish I could go back in time and keep him awake all night that night. But now I can talk about him without crying every time. When I start to get angry that he was taken something will happen- like last week receiving an e-mail that a family was told their baby would be born sleeping and they may need Mason's Foundation to help pay for his burial. Then I feel selfish! I got to hold him and kiss him for 2 years 2 months and 8 days!! I got so smell his sweet breath and change his not so sweet diapers! I got to hear him laugh and hear him cry. Those parents didn't get to do that. Their precious angel never did those things. So I re-think this a bit and realize that I was lucky. I was lucky he lived through that first month when they didn't think he would. I wish he could have stayed longer but I am so thankful for the time we had. I feel as though this tragedy has helped me be more empathetic, not only when we are helping these families who are just starting down this path, but also in my career as I help other families at the opposite end of the spectrum.
Oh precious boy! My throat is swelling and tears are coming. I went there, back to that day even though I tried not to. I thought about every second of that day and of tomorrow when I would hold you for the very last time. I think it is ok that the tears are falling- I don't let them very much anymore. Sometimes we just need to let that pain out. This is MY time- to be selfish, to hurt and to wallow in it for a little while. But tomorrow I will go to work and smile and no one will know that I spent this evening grieving for you. Tomorrow I will be ready for the calls again from parents who are preparing to do what we have already done- bury their beloved child. And I will help them. Because I am strong and you helped make me that way. I love you to the moon and back.  

I was almost surprised when I looked at this and saw how long it has been since I have written. It is not because I don't think about him every day because that is just part of my normal. I think I am beginning to heal....finally!! Oh yes, I do still cry. Who wouldn't? I miss that little guy, I miss his smell, his laugh and everything about him. But now I can think of him and smile almost every time. When I go shopping for him, most recently for his Easter things, I can think about it in a way that doesn't hurt quite as bad. I would much rather be coloring eggs with him. Most certainly! But I can't. So instead, I got him a bunny and beautiful ceramic rabbit to set by his marker. I cleaned the leaves off and polished his name. I talked to him and told him about all of the families his foundation has been helping. I told him I miss him. But I didn't cry. Not at that moment. I stood looking at all of the small graves that have been added since we laid him there. Too many. And those are just here in our small city. Too many mothers and fathers grieving. Some just starting down this road. If only I could be there for each of them to let them know that I understand. I know that feeling that it would just be easier to go to sleep and not wake up. If I cry any more my eyes are going to quit producing tears. I want to lay down and sleep by his marker because that is as close as I can get. I also wish I could let them know that, after 8 years, I am beginning to live again. I am finding joy in things. I don't feel so guilty every time I laugh about something. Does it still stab my heart- oh you bet it does! But now, I know that I am going to get through this and that someday, he will be waiting for me, jumping, laughing and yelling Nana!!!! And I can't wait!!!!!! Someday I hope that all of the families in this club that no one wants to join will feel that sense of hope that I feel now. It is not a fun row to hoe. We would all "unjoin" this group if we could. But we can't, so the only thing left to do is live for them and wait-because the day will come that we will all be together again. I love you Scooter!! You left a huge mark!!!

7 years. 7 years ago I held you and prayed that I was having a nightmare and would wake up. But I didn't. I prayed I would see your chest rise and fall and that they had made a mistake, but it didn't. At that moment I truly thought my life was over, I almost wished it was. Today I told myself not to relive that moment, that day. I told myself not to open myself up to feel that pain again but it comes anyway. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. 7 years ago. Now I try to think of it as this: 7 years ago you learned to walk. You learned to run and do summersaults. You learned to talk and sing. You sat on Jesus lap for the first time. You looked down and wished that we weren't so sad because you are so happy. I still miss you. It still hurts-some days are still almost unbearable. Other days I can remember the funny things you did and smile. Would I rather you were here with us? Selfishly, yes I sure would! I would even trade places with you if I could. But I can't. So look down on us today while we take you some flowers and a toy and wrap us in your love because we need it. That is all we can do now, take flowers and a toy to your grave that we think you might have liked if you were 9 years old and here with us. Silly? Some people probably think so. But if it helps bring us a little comfort, makes us feel a little closer to you if even for a little while, then I will be silly. I loved you more than you will ever know and still do. I can't wait for the day that I will see you again and hold you close. Run in peace my sweet little man!!

What a beautiful day! The sun is shining and I know it is your gift to us today! Yesterday I spent most of the day with a friend getting your garden started. I am SO excited! It looks amazing which is fitting because you were so amazing! This morning Papa put your angel out there. She is just beautiful! I hope you look down love it! There is still a lot to do, plant flowers, fill the pond, add some goldfish! It is going to be beautiful and serene and a wonderful place to go and just enjoy the memories of you! I love you so much little man! I wish you were here to see all the good you have done in this world since you left us! I miss you every day!! XOXO Nana

I wish I had known 6 years ago that this would be your last day. I would have spent every single minute holding and kissing you, making sure you knew just how much you are loved! I wish I hadn't gone to work that night. I wish there were no such thing as seizures that can steal away a precious life when we least expect it. I wish I understood God's plan and why he took you. I wish you could see how many families you have helped since you left! I wish...I just wish.

You would have been 8 years old in 2 days. 8 years old!!! I wonder some days what you would be doing if you were still here. Would you have a super special wheelchair that you could run on your own? Would you be loving school? Would you still have that wonderful laugh that warmed my heart to hear? I don't know what would have been. But I do know this: When you were here you made me smile. You made me laugh. Sometimes you made me cry! When you were here your beautiful eyes charmed MANY people (and still do) and you left your imprint on so many hearts. When you were here, you were loved beyond belief, with every ounce of my being- and I know you loved me back. When you were here I loved to smell your sweet neck and kiss those cute cheeks. But now you are not here. So what now? Now you still make me smile. You even still make me laugh from time to time! I can still see your eyes and smile and although some days it makes me cry, most of the time it just makes my heart swell with the amazing love I still feel for you. Now, sometimes my heart aches and my arms feel empty. It's getting a little better as time goes on. I am learning to accept that it is going to hurt forever but I can handle it because I am strong. But one thing doesn't change. Now you are gone. And now, I miss you.

7 years old! All the things you would have been doing now! My comfort comes in knowing that you are doing so much more where you are. I am jealous, I would love to be able to spend this day (every day) with you to celebrate your birth but I know that you are celebrating with an even better companion today! Many of them in fact! Still, there is sadness in my heart. I am trying little man. I'm trying to be happy and find my "new normal" without you. It is hard most days. It seems fitting that today will be raining part of the day and sunny part of the day because that is how my emotions are running! Overall, I am just so thankful that when you were born we heard that tiny cry and you got to fight so hard just to spend 2 years with us. We will never forget them and cherish all the memories, the laughs, the funny faces, those beautiful eyes. I love you so much and can't wait to see you again! Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!!