This year has brought so many changes. Not just COVID and the craziness attached to that but in my personal life as well. That happens with everyone doesn't it?
A change in my career has found me living a couple of hours from home and away from family. That support that I may have taken for granted before, I appreciate even more now. I miss being able to go to Mason's spot. I don't do that near as often now, I have a happier place to remember him on our property. But now, I don't get to visit that place as often either.
Most people who come to this site have recently lost a child. This blog, I hope, will let you know that there are other people out here that have walked your road and have gone through the conflicting feelings you might be going through.
I miss our boy. So much that it physically hurts. Yes, even now. 11 years later. Do I still relive that day? Oh, yes I do. Is it only on the anniversary of the day he left? No. It can come any day. And when the thoughts start playing through my mind, I truly do tell myself to STOP thinking about that day. Stop going through every minute, every thing that happened. To think of the happier memories. But does it stop the thoughts from coming? Absolutely not. Do I cry every time? No. But most of the time, yes. When I see the memes on Facebook asking "If you could spend an hour with someone who would it be?" My immediate thought is MASON. What I wouldn't give to spend an hour, a MINUTE with him again. Just to hear him laugh and see those amazing eyes! To hold him while he is still warm and breathing. God!! It is still so hard!!! Would I trade places with him? In a HEARTBEAT! But I can't. So what do I do? Try to help other people. Through the foundation. Through my job. Just in any way I can.
I wish more than ever I could have celebrated Christmas with that beautiful boy. I wish he could have met his cousin. I wish I didn't feel this pain. But it is what it is.
What is my plan for 2021? To focus more on Mason's Foundation. To figure out how I can help other families who are going through this. To make Mason's Corner on our property the most amazing and HAPPY place I can so I can go out there and remember the awesome things about him. That giggle, the amazing eyes, the look of disdain when he had to do PT, him saying "Hi" and being so happy to see me when I came home from work, him sleeping on Papa's chest- all of it.
Mothers- you will make it through this. It may not feel like it at this moment but you will.
Fathers- We haven't forgotten you. Those men who try not to cry, who fight to be strong for us, but who hurt as much or maybe even more, than we do. The men who think it isn't "manly" to cry and talk about how much you miss your child. I see you. I know you hurt. I am praying for you.
Grandparents- you have the hardest spot! People say "Oh it wasn't your child. It was JUST your grandchild." Well, you are not only grieving the loss of this beautiful child you had been waiting for, but you are grieving for YOUR child who is grieving for THIER child. You have double the pain.
All you can do is the best you can with what you have at that moment.
Mason, I love you. More than you ever knew. I will love you until the day I hold you again.
I feel blessed that through your leaving us we are able to help other families. You are an angel always!
I wish this had never happened. I wish I didn't know what it felt like to bury a child, to watch your son in pain but have no idea how to help him through it. But that was my lot in life. And so here I am.
I will pray for every family going through this. Someday, we will all hold those precious children we had to let go of too soon.