It is so easy to let yourself get wrapped up in all of the sad feelings that come at this time of year as we think about the ones we no longer have here to celebrate with us.
Today I have had a wonderful, eye-opening day. My beautiful grand-daughter Ella spent the night with us last night. The new awareness she brought me this morning has made me feel like I just might be able to make it through the pain of losing one child, because I do still have 7 other grandbabies that I love so dearly!
First thing this morning, we were in the living room changing her diaper and she did the "cough". That cute little fake "cough" that babies do. Deven was standing there and he said with a beautiful smile, "Mom, remember Mason used to do that?" I looked at him as a pain shot through me at that memory I saw the smile on his face. My son, who is hurting just like me, was smiling at the memory of his son pretending to cough when we would change his diaper. Of course, my first thought was, "Oh no, this is going to make him sad!" But no, he was smiling. Yes, I'm sure it did make him sad, but he was smiling at that memory. I looked at Ella and she was smiling too. I had to laugh with them as we remembered how excited we were the first time Mason did that.
Later in the day, Miss Ella was enjoying her time with Nana so much that taking a nap was pretty much out of the question. However, after some serious rocking and singing, she gave up the battle and was snuggled up to me sleeping. Once again, my thoughts started to drift to Mason and tears filled my eyes as I remembered all the times I rocked him to sleep. I thought of how he would smile that big smile when he would look at me and see that I was watching him. Then I looked down at Ella, so peaceful in sleep, and wondered:
Have I been so wrapped up in the sadness of losing Mason that I haven't let myself enjoy this beautiful baby that is still here? Not that I will ever forget my precious boy, no, that will never happen. But maybe I need to spend more time smiling or at least trying to. And I mean REAL smiles, not the ones we paste on so people don't know how much we are still hurting. It won't happen overnight but maybe, just maybe, I will be able to someday smile and mean it.
The pain is there and always will be, but I think that the way I am dealing with it might be changing. I am trying to heal and that is the most challenging thing I have EVER done. But I truly believe that today was a step in the right direction.
To all of my precious grandchildren, I am so sorry if I have been distant, I will do better. You ALL mean the world to me and I love you more than you know. I cherish every minute I get to spend with each one of you.
To all of the rest of the angel mommies and daddies out there, we don't need to feel guilty when we have a happy moment. Oh, I know that is a HUGE request, how can we possibly feel joy when we are never again going to hold our child or see them smile or hear them laugh? But try to think of the joy they had when they were here. The joy WE felt when we would see theirs. That is the same joy they would feel now to see us experience happiness again. I know in my heart that Mason would never want me to feel sad. I also know that it is easier said than done to be happy at this point in my life, but I am trying. And that is all any of us can do, isn't it?
Today I have had a wonderful, eye-opening day. My beautiful grand-daughter Ella spent the night with us last night. The new awareness she brought me this morning has made me feel like I just might be able to make it through the pain of losing one child, because I do still have 7 other grandbabies that I love so dearly!
First thing this morning, we were in the living room changing her diaper and she did the "cough". That cute little fake "cough" that babies do. Deven was standing there and he said with a beautiful smile, "Mom, remember Mason used to do that?" I looked at him as a pain shot through me at that memory I saw the smile on his face. My son, who is hurting just like me, was smiling at the memory of his son pretending to cough when we would change his diaper. Of course, my first thought was, "Oh no, this is going to make him sad!" But no, he was smiling. Yes, I'm sure it did make him sad, but he was smiling at that memory. I looked at Ella and she was smiling too. I had to laugh with them as we remembered how excited we were the first time Mason did that.
Later in the day, Miss Ella was enjoying her time with Nana so much that taking a nap was pretty much out of the question. However, after some serious rocking and singing, she gave up the battle and was snuggled up to me sleeping. Once again, my thoughts started to drift to Mason and tears filled my eyes as I remembered all the times I rocked him to sleep. I thought of how he would smile that big smile when he would look at me and see that I was watching him. Then I looked down at Ella, so peaceful in sleep, and wondered:
Have I been so wrapped up in the sadness of losing Mason that I haven't let myself enjoy this beautiful baby that is still here? Not that I will ever forget my precious boy, no, that will never happen. But maybe I need to spend more time smiling or at least trying to. And I mean REAL smiles, not the ones we paste on so people don't know how much we are still hurting. It won't happen overnight but maybe, just maybe, I will be able to someday smile and mean it.
The pain is there and always will be, but I think that the way I am dealing with it might be changing. I am trying to heal and that is the most challenging thing I have EVER done. But I truly believe that today was a step in the right direction.
To all of my precious grandchildren, I am so sorry if I have been distant, I will do better. You ALL mean the world to me and I love you more than you know. I cherish every minute I get to spend with each one of you.
To all of the rest of the angel mommies and daddies out there, we don't need to feel guilty when we have a happy moment. Oh, I know that is a HUGE request, how can we possibly feel joy when we are never again going to hold our child or see them smile or hear them laugh? But try to think of the joy they had when they were here. The joy WE felt when we would see theirs. That is the same joy they would feel now to see us experience happiness again. I know in my heart that Mason would never want me to feel sad. I also know that it is easier said than done to be happy at this point in my life, but I am trying. And that is all any of us can do, isn't it?