It seems as though life is separated these days into the years before Mason died and the years after Mason died. This is the second Christmas since he left us. It's hard to remember the 44 before that right now because the pain seems all encompassing. The drive home from work tonight seemed especially long. My thoughts were running in a circle, going over that awful morning over and over, all the details of that day running through my mind. Then came the "I wonders". I wonder if he would be saying more words now, I wonder if he would be walking with the walker now or crawling by himself. I wonder what he would look like. Would he still like to cuddle? Would he still get a huge grin when he saw me walk into the room? I miss him so! I wish sometimes the pain would just go away, but I know it won't. It is exhausting and I don't WANT to feel it but it is a part of me it seems. Some days I think I am doing really well at dealing with it, then there are the "todays" when I feel like I am at square one. I tell myself I should be envious of that little guy, spending Jesus' birthday with him! How wonderful would that be? But there is still the part of me that knows I should have been spending Christmas with Jesus before Mason did. It is hard to fathom, there is no answer to why. Even if there were, we would still question it and wish it weren't so. This is a learning experience I think. Well, I am trying to learn from it. I have learned that I can stand almost any pain thrown my way~emotionally at least. I've learned that God really does know how much we can handle even if we don't think we can. Maybe it is his way of encouraging us to lean on him more. Once we are done being angry with him for taking our child, because I know I was very angry, we come crawling back to him looking for comfort. And he is always there. He was there all along, we just didn't acknowledge it. If you think about it, how could you possibly live through losing a child without him? I know in my mind that Mason is up there in Heaven, running, talking, spending time with all of those who were waiting for him there and who came after. He's excited for us to get there but doesn't want us to come too soon. It hurts, A LOT. I would give anything for him to be back here with us, but nothing I give will bring him back. So we will carry on and try to learn how to live "after Mason died" even though there are times when I would rather not.
Merry Christmas my angel baby. I miss you terribly. Give Jesus a Happy Birthday hug from me and then give Nana and Grandad and Gramma and Grampa one too. I guess if I have to share you there are no better people to do it with. I'll see you someday.
Merry Christmas my angel baby. I miss you terribly. Give Jesus a Happy Birthday hug from me and then give Nana and Grandad and Gramma and Grampa one too. I guess if I have to share you there are no better people to do it with. I'll see you someday.