Last month we received a grant from the Dennis and Phyllis Washington Foundation. As I look back on it I realize just how blessed we are. Our funds were LOW, very low. I was (am) planning a fundraiser for April but had 3 months to get through in the meantime. There is nothing worse for me than to have a request for help and have to respond with " I don't have any money right now, can you wait a few months?"  Sometimes waiting isn't an option. Since receiving that grant we have helped 5 families. I feel so grateful that God knew the right time to send us a helping hand. Why did I doubt him?
I think we tend to do that in times of stress and sadness. When we are feeling alone and missing our angels it is easy to question why he chose to take our children. Why MY child? What did I do to deserve this? Was I not being a good enough mother? I thought I was doing a good job but maybe more patience was needed. Was that it? No matter how much we question the reason our child grew his wings, we will never really know. Would it really matter anyway? I don't think that ANY reason would be good enough for me. The fact of it is, Mason is in heaven running, talking, doing sommersaults and LAUGHING. He is looking down on us wondering why we are so sad since he is the happiest he has ever been. The things he does now he would never have been able to do had he stayed and as much as I would have done to keep him here with me, God is doing even more for him now. I don't like it. I really hate it. I am a selfish person because I would rather have him here with me in his wheelchair than up there and running. Maybe that is why we don't get the choice. We can't see past our love. I miss you so very much baby boy. Someday we will be doing sommersaults together.

It's almost here! Christmas is looming near and the children are all counting down the days, even the older ones! I was thinking about Mason and trying to picture him as he would be now, wondering what he would be doing and saying. That is a tough one because we really couldn't predict that very well. I know that up in heaven he is saying and doing all the things he should be at 4 years old! That lead my thoughts to Mother Mary and as I sat here missing Mason and, well, essentially feeling sorry for myself, I thought about how SHE must have felt when her son died. How heartwrenching to see him suffer and not be able to comfort him. I think that she must have been a very strong woman to go through all that she did and give up her son for us. We should remember her too on the day of his birth, this amazing woman who gave birth to our saviour and loved him-her baby, her child- and then had to stand back and watch him die. She did have one glorious moment that I have yet to experience and that would be seeing that child again whole and happy. But my day will come and then I will get to see them both!
Merry Christmas Mason, I hung your ornaments like I do every year. Papa is taking your tree to you tomorrow and we got you another light. Look down and see how pretty your spot is! We miss you so very much baby boy! XOXO Nana

It's getting close! Once again this year we will be at the Frenchtown Craft Fair raising awareness and funds for Mason's Foundation! We have several quilts, raggedy ann and andy dolls, handmade cards, hair bows and lots of yummy goodies to sell. I have been practicing and baking a LOT the last few weeks to get all of the best cookies, fudge and breads for the sale so come and enjoy the efforts!  We will also have face painting for the kids! Anything we have for sale there can also be ordered through the webpage so if you can't make it just drop me an email at klinge2620@live.com. 
Hope we see a lot of you there!!

I know, it isn't even Halloween yet and here I am talking about Christmas! I just wanted to give everyone a heads up that in the next few days I will be posting some pictures of the Christmas cards we will have for sale on the webpage. All of the money we make goes to help families in need so if you see a design you would like please order a few from us! All of our cards are stitched, mostly by hand but some machine stitching too and they are beautiful! We do layering and stamping and they are made with love! We can also take orders for quilts or anything else on the webpage. Don't wait until the last minute as it takes a little time to make these beautiful items! You can email me with any questions at  klinge2620@live.com  Enjoy your Halloween!!! 

In the past few years as I "age" I have come to realize that fall and spring are my favorite seasons. I love the smell of rain! It is like a fresh start every time. Not all people like the rainy times and they can be a downer, especially if you are missing someone special and the holidays are looming. Please take time to remember friends and family you know who may be experiencing these holidays without their child. A phone call can do wonders or even a card in the mail. It has been 2 years since Mason left us and it still hurts to see his empty stocking hanging there. One thing we try to do is remember the funniest thing each of us can think of that he did and share it. Pretty soon the tears are mixed with laughter and it helps ease the pain.
The pain doesn't go away, but anything to make it easier to bear is a blessing!

Just a quick blog to apologize for the lack of a newsletter! My computer at home crashed and I am limited to how much time I can get on the site. I will be finding a solution to this problem ASAP! If you have any questions feel free to email me! Our next function will be the Frenchtown Craft Fair in December so please come by our booth and support these families! Have a Happy Fall Day!

I think back to this day 2 years ago and relive it in my mind. Then I do it again. It still hurts, and the more I relive it the more I cry, get angry, just miss that baby boy.
People like to say that time heals all wounds. I hate to be a pessimist, however, they are very wrong about that. I think a better description of what happens to a parent who has lost their child is not that their pain is "healed" or that it has lessened, but that they have learned how to function in the presence of it. That in itself is a huge accomplishment.
The pain that comes with losing a child is so enormous that you can't begin to describe it. In addition to the loss, most of us deal with anger and questions of why, and maybe even guilt. What if I had checked on him 5 minutes sooner?
 To all of the angel mom and dad's let me say:
It's ok to cry, be mad, miss your child. It doesn't go away, the pain doesn't lessen but it DOES become more bearable~well, most days anyway. Some days might sneak up on you and take all the wind out of your sails, you may see that toy they just loved and it could send you into the chasms of hopelessness again. The feeling that you just can't go on l day without them. It's ok to feel that-but know this as well, you WILL make it through. It sucks, it really does, but for some reason we are still here and we will make it. Just take it one mnute at a time.
To our friends and families:
Please don't forget our child! Remember that today is the day we woke up and our world came crashing down. It will never be the same for us, we will never be the same! But we do want to remember them and talk about them, look at their pictures and remember the beautiful eyes, the wonderful smile. If we cry, and we most likely will sometimes, just sit with us and let us wash some of the pain down so it isn't so raw. Holding in tears is like taking out stitches too soon, you cause more damage than anything else. A hug is a great thing. If you don't know what to say, don't say anything, just hold my hand.
To Mason, our sweet, sweet angel,
You will always be loved and missed. You will be thought of every day with an ache in my heart. Someday, we will see you again and that will be a GOOD day.

This is a difficult time of year for me. Lots of important dates are looming near, Easter, Mother's Day, Mason's birthday. It takes me awhile to process my feelings and understand them, I can be a little slow at times~just ask my brother! :-)
As many of us do in the spring, I do some deep cleaning. Last weekend was my bedroom. I decided it was time to clean out my "nightstand" otherwise known as the place to put everything that doesn't have an official home. As some of my frineds know, I like to organize things and throw out what I thought last month I couldn't do without! In the process of that enormous chore I came across all of the wonderful cards and letters people sent to us when Mason grew his wings. As I read each and every one again, the tears were flowing, this time for two reasons. The obvious~I miss that baby boy so terribly much! And the other reason~ I was realizing what wonderful friends I have. Not that I didn't know already but it was such a reminder as I read those notes of heartfelt condolences. The memories came flooding back of that day. I remember calling my dear friend as I left the hospital to tell her that Mason was gone. I was not doing very well as you would expect. It was such a comfort to know I could  call her, a hysterical mess, and know she was there to listen and be my friend. In the next few days I saw just how many friends we had. To those I may not have thanked then-THANK YOU for being there! The phone calls and cards really do mean a lot! I am starting a new chapter of my life now- a new job that I love, new friends whom I also love, learning new things; but I cherish all of my "old" friends too. You have watched me as I have spent the last year and a half struggling, treading water. I work so hard, running all the time, trying to keep my mind busy and most of the time I don't move forward but keep spinning in the same place. And still you are there. I am treading water, the water being my emotions, so I don't get pulled under by them and drown. There are times I actually take a few strokes forward! And again, you are there to rejoice with me! What a great feeling! Sometimes the waves will wash me back out and I have to start over, but it is a process and I am making it. Once again, you are there to listen to the same story of hurt and loneliness, whatever would I do without you? I paste a smile on and head to work every day trying to ignore the hole in my heart for a while. That's all I can do, just keep on keeping on. Someday this pain will dull so they tell me. I am looking frward to that day! In the meantime, I appreciate you, all of my dear friends, old and new. I am sorry I don't tell you that more often! XOXO

Dear sweet baby boy,
What a wonderful, busy week I have had! My new job is wonderful! It keeps me busy all day and the people are just great! I'm sure you already know this but your foundation is doing so well! We have helped so many families, the sad part for us down here is that those beautiful children aren't here with us anymore, you have so many more to play with up there.
I came home tonight feeling wonderfully tired and ready to relax and get a long nights sleep, but when I laid down sleep didn't find me. You did. My thoughts drifted to you like they do so often, and as usual I felt my throat get tight, my eyes start to burn and the pain shot through my heart as I thought of your beautiful eyes and big smile. I miss you so!!!! I tossed and turned for a while, then curled up next to Papa and he turned over in his sleep and put his strong arms around me like he somehow knew, even while he was sleeping, that I needed to feel safe for a while. But sleep still didn't come. I got up and went over to our chair, you remember? The big overstuffed white one that was in your room? All the nights that sleep wouldn't come for you and we would sit there together, sometimes for hours, and listen to the classical music that I thought should soothe you and help you sleep. Silly Nana, as soon as we put on the rap music your little head would rest on my shoulder and soon those LONG eyelashes would be laying on your cheeks. Sometimes I would just stay there and hold you for a while, listen to you breathe and marvel in the fact that you were so perfect. We usually had your big puppy dog under our arms, and he is there with me now while I sit alone in our chair, my arms empty except for that soft puppy that still smells like your sweet smell. But I can't hear you breathing or see you sleep and my heart aches even more. The tears just won't quit running tonight and I decide I should just give in nd let the sorrow wash over me for a while instead of fighting it so hard. 
Sweet, sweet baby boy, if I could I would take your place. Better yet, I would bring you back to me. I loved you then, I love you now and will love you forever my angel. Maybe now that I talked to you for a while sleep will find me and if it does I hope you visit me in a dream.
I love you a bushel and a peck my boy. Tell Nana and Grandad hello for me and do an extra sommersault tonight. Many many hugs and kisses. Sweet dreams.....

Most of us segment our plans-New Year's resolutions, spring cleaning, etc. I tend to do that myself! The last 18 months have been a long string of fresh starts for me. Every day almost! And that is ok as long as we keep picking up and trying to move  forward in some way. The problem arises when we get "stuck"  whether it be our mood, our job, our health... It is so much easier to stay in our "bubble", I am fat and always have been so I guess I will just accept it! I want to try a new job but I am good at this one so I better just stay put. I never have been a good housekeeper but everyone is used to it so Oh well!
Well, I have had several eye-opening events this past couple of months that have helped nudge me  out of my bubble and into that scary big world of the unknown! It IS scary, yet what new thing isn't?
First came the health issues. Another heart procedure. Yikes! This one knocked me for a loop, not one of those you can sprint out of the operating room and back into life feeling like nothing happened. Some might say I am a stubborn woman, I wouldn't say stubborn, just determined, and when my  health doesn't let me do what I feel I need to do then I get a tad bit frustrated. So how to fix it? Pay more attention to MY HEALTH. Yes, MY health. Ok, that means that Shana MUST take time to do some things for herself such as, going for walks, jogs, etc and maybe eating healthier and getting some sleep! And so enters the second big change for me~I LOVE my job! I LOVE the family I work with and the child I care for, however, driving 120 miles a day and working 12 hours a day is not beneficial to MY family and children. Thus, another new start! I am terribly excited to start my new job, make new friends, expand my skills! I will be home in time for dinner every night and see my boys off to school every morning!
As we move through the grieving process we come up against so very many new and unpleasant (at best) feelings to deal with. All we can do is try to move forward and take everyday as it comes. We might slip back sometimes but just know that you are not alone, and we all take this journey at our own pace. Someday, the sun is going to shine a little bit brighter and we will smile with true joy through the pain. There will ALWAYS be a hole in our hearts, an empty space in our lives, but new and different things will come and help, not to fill the hole, but to surround it with things that help us move on and live life again as much as we can. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but like all change, it takes time to find a "new normal". Submerge yourself in friends and family and learn to live again, the way our angels would want us to.