I can't believe that tomorrow would have been your sixth birthday! You would have been going to school now. I remember when they approached me with the suggestion that I start planning for you to ride the bus to school and go for 3 hours a day. I was TERRIFIED! 3 hours every day with people you didn't know and me not there? NOT! It was unthinkable at the time. Now, I would give almost anything to be able to send you on a bus and know that you would be coming home after 3 hours. I still have your wheelchair and I look at it whenever I am at the storage unit. I should probably donate it to someone but I can't quite part with it just yet. Just one of those things that I hold on to. Happy Birthday big boy! I can only imagine how big you would be. I love you so very much and miss you every day. Watch for your balloons tomorrow. I will make sure there is a Sponge Bob one for you! Love Nana
A Poem I found:
I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can’t be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year.
Now people who had came,
I sit and struggle all day long,
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
“She must move on and leave this place.”
Yet I am trapped right here in time.
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child…….Today.
My Special Angel:
For Loved Ones Lost
Such a fitting poem, especially for tomorrow...and today.
Today I got to listen to my dear friend Curt "The Hutch" Hutchinson on the radio again. Those who don't know who he is won't really get why that is such a big deal but I will tell you! WAY back when, more than 25 years ago, I was Curt's Dialysis Tech in his home. That kind of job is one where you become a part of someone's family. You spend many hours with them and get to know them so well! Most times, these relationships don't end well as the chances of a transplant are slim at best but after a year and some Curt got the call and we all raced to Seattle to get a new kidney! He recovered amazingly well. Our lives moved forward, I moved away, but always kept in touch with him and his beautiful wife Pam. Well, Curt finally lost the battle with his health and has been gone for a while now. This morning Pam posted an article from the radio station that had a recording of Curt talking to George Jones! It immediately brought tears to my eyes! I wonder if he is up there playing with Mason?? He was so good with kids I like to think they found each other and maybe Curt is telling Mason about the time he scared the CRAP out of me by putting on a gorilla mask and scratching on the window outside while I was setting up the dialysis machine. Or maybe the time he came home to me, Pam, Lindsay and Dana screaming our heads off while watching arachnophobia on TV while we waited for him to get home. I hope so! I hope they are giving hugs and laughing. My heart aches so for them! Love you to boys! Don't get into too much trouble together :-)
Here it is, another spring. A time when we should be joyous in the new beginning and looking forward to summertime fun. Instead, my heart is aching for my precious angel, and for all of the other families we have helped this year who I know are feeling the same way. I know that our children are so very happy where they are. Happier than they would ever be here, but it doesn't take the pain away. I wish it did. It is exhausting to have this emotional ache all the time.
Today we bought another urn for a beautiful little angel who would have been so very loved if she could have stayed here with her twin sister. I felt a fresh stab of pain as I ordered that urn, even though I know that on some days it will bring comfort to her family to know that she is healthy and happy in heaven, right now they are going through those initial feelings of unbearable pain and there is nothing I can do that will ease that for them.
I suppose that all I can do is keep doing what I have been and try to be there when they need a shoulder to cry on, and we can cry together for what could have, what SHOULD have been with our beautiful children.
Mason, I love and miss you so very much every single day. Please hug all of your new friends that have joined you from their mommys and daddies because we can't reach you anymore. We are all down here looking forward to the day that you will meet us and show us the beautiful places you have discovered up there in heaven.
Be good my sweet boy. XOXO Nana
Today is another sad day for our family as we say good-bye to my father-in-law, Fred Taylor. I know he is up in heaven playing with Mason and feeling no pain. The painis for us to feel. How selfish we are to wish that we could still be with them. I met Fred 22 years ago, it seems like a lifetime. He was there when almost every major event in my life has happened. He sat and comforted me when Mason left. He was a wonderful man who will be truly missed.
Pop, I will miss you! I will miss the hugs and hearing you call me honey. Give Mason a huge hug for me and Mason give him one back from me. I can't wait to see you both again.
I know I am a few days late. I ended up unexpectedly spending Thanksgiving in Idaho with my wonderful Father and mother-in-law. Once again I was reminded that we should never take for granted the time we have with the people we love. Any day could be our last. I had dreams of Mason all night last night, sure do wish he was here eating turkey with us. His favorite was mashed potatoes though. A family in our community had to say goodbye to their beautiful little boy just before the holiday. For them, this season will never be the same. My heart is aching for them as they begin this painful journey. I so wish that no one would ever have to go through the pain of losing a child. I wish I had words of advice to offer them that would make it easier but I don't. It never seems to get easier. The pain~ well, it is always there. Somehow we learn how to function in spite of it but it never goes away. Tonite I am in that "I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours" mood. I am tired of hurting and tired of missing that baby boy and I just want to hug him and smell hm again. That is just tonight though. Tomorrow I will put on my strong face, head off to work and pretend to be just like everyone else. Tomorrow.
It is fall once again~I do love fall but it brings with it all of the holidays that parents who have lost a child dread. We once again wonder what they would be like if they were still with us. What would we be thinking of buying for them for a Chrsitmas gift? My heart aches for all the parents who are just beginning down the road of grief and pain that comes with losing a child. We have had 3 requests just this week for help with services. I know that the requests will keep coming, and am thankful that we are here to receive them, but I wish this didn't happen, I wish children didn't die or get sick, that we would never have to say good bye. Wishes~even though they are unrealistic I can't help but wish for it. Someday in heaven it will be this way, everyone will be healthy and happy and together again. Patience has never really been one of my strengths and waiting for it is hard. All I can do is be there for other parents who are struggling too. Let them know they are not alone. I can't ease their pain, I don't know that anything ever will. It always hurts, but at least I know that he is up there running, singing, laughing, and sitting on Jesus lap. Oh sweet boy, I miss you so very much. I would trade places with you in an instant but that would be selfish, wouldn't it? To take away from you the most beautiful thing~ I can't even imagine it! I can't wait to be there with you though! After my work here is done. I will be RUNNING to those golden gates to hug you again. I hope you will know me, and run to me as well.
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy! You would have been 5 years old today! You would think that after almost 3 years of you being gone it wouldn't hurt so much~it does. I would give anything to see you again, down here on this mean old earth, how very selfish of me! I have to remind myself that you are RUNNING and doing sommersaults up there and I would be willing to bet you got to sit a little longer on Jesus lap today-this very special day of yours! I hope he gave you an extra big hug from me! We all miss you so very much! We tried to leave balloons at your spot today but the wind was blowing so hard we decided to let them go-I wonder if that was your way of saying you wanted them sooner? Or maybe your way of saying "I am so happy up here that you need to let go and move on?" Maybe the latter, but I am not ready yet. I may never be. You will always have that piece of my heart sweet, sweet boy. Now you run and find your great-great- Nana-it shouldn't be hard since I know she is watchong out for you until I get there. Tomorrow is her birthday and I need you to hug and kiss her for me. I miss her too <3 I hope you both celebrate together and it is a very good day!! Love and kisses, Nana
I was watching a program the other day and someone said, "Be thankful for every minute of every day. " What a wonderful peice of advice! You know, every night we go to bed and if you are old like me you just feel that relief of being able to lay there and rest. Hopefully, you will wake up to the alarm, get a cup of coffee, get the kids off to school and head for work. Most of us make it there fine and go on with our day. But what about that person who doesn't make it to work? Or the one who gets a call before the alarm goes off telling them that a loved one has passed? When we go to bed or get up or even walk into the next room we don't have any idea what could happen in the next few minutes. Something that could change our entire outlook on life could happen at ANY time. It could be great! Maybe you find out you will be a grandma or mother, maybe you won the lottery or maybe it will be devastating news...who knows? The point is this, be THANKFUL for EVERY minute of EVERY day. We are so very lucky to be here and be healthy, to have our loved ones close and know that the loved ones who aren't close are safe. We are blessed to have a God who loves us more than life itself and know that someday we will be able to meet him and see our loved ones who have passed again! Live your life for today, learn from yesterday and look forward to tomorrow. Once a day is gone you can't take that time back so make the most of it! I will never forget the day that my best friend and I went to pick out Mason's urn. We wanted to make our own and wanted it to be special so we went to Ross and were looking at the boxes there. I was certainly not in the mood to be friendly, and definitely wasn't smiling. When we left the store we were talking and both decided that we would never again judge someone we see somewhere just because they look grumpy or didn't smile back at us. For all we know they may be shopping for an urn for their child! All we can do is try to be the best we can be all the time and hope we somehow make a difference to someone who might need it.
Last month we received a grant from the Dennis and Phyllis Washington Foundation. As I look back on it I realize just how blessed we are. Our funds were LOW, very low. I was (am) planning a fundraiser for April but had 3 months to get through in the meantime. There is nothing worse for me than to have a request for help and have to respond with " I don't have any money right now, can you wait a few months?" Sometimes waiting isn't an option. Since receiving that grant we have helped 5 families. I feel so grateful that God knew the right time to send us a helping hand. Why did I doubt him?
I think we tend to do that in times of stress and sadness. When we are feeling alone and missing our angels it is easy to question why he chose to take our children. Why MY child? What did I do to deserve this? Was I not being a good enough mother? I thought I was doing a good job but maybe more patience was needed. Was that it? No matter how much we question the reason our child grew his wings, we will never really know. Would it really matter anyway? I don't think that ANY reason would be good enough for me. The fact of it is, Mason is in heaven running, talking, doing sommersaults and LAUGHING. He is looking down on us wondering why we are so sad since he is the happiest he has ever been. The things he does now he would never have been able to do had he stayed and as much as I would have done to keep him here with me, God is doing even more for him now. I don't like it. I really hate it. I am a selfish person because I would rather have him here with me in his wheelchair than up there and running. Maybe that is why we don't get the choice. We can't see past our love. I miss you so very much baby boy. Someday we will be doing sommersaults together.
It's almost here! Christmas is looming near and the children are all counting down the days, even the older ones! I was thinking about Mason and trying to picture him as he would be now, wondering what he would be doing and saying. That is a tough one because we really couldn't predict that very well. I know that up in heaven he is saying and doing all the things he should be at 4 years old! That lead my thoughts to Mother Mary and as I sat here missing Mason and, well, essentially feeling sorry for myself, I thought about how SHE must have felt when her son died. How heartwrenching to see him suffer and not be able to comfort him. I think that she must have been a very strong woman to go through all that she did and give up her son for us. We should remember her too on the day of his birth, this amazing woman who gave birth to our saviour and loved him-her baby, her child- and then had to stand back and watch him die. She did have one glorious moment that I have yet to experience and that would be seeing that child again whole and happy. But my day will come and then I will get to see them both!
Merry Christmas Mason, I hung your ornaments like I do every year. Papa is taking your tree to you tomorrow and we got you another light. Look down and see how pretty your spot is! We miss you so very much baby boy! XOXO Nana