Most of us segment our plans-New Year's resolutions, spring cleaning, etc. I tend to do that myself! The last 18 months have been a long string of fresh starts for me. Every day almost! And that is ok as long as we keep picking up and trying to move  forward in some way. The problem arises when we get "stuck"  whether it be our mood, our job, our health... It is so much easier to stay in our "bubble", I am fat and always have been so I guess I will just accept it! I want to try a new job but I am good at this one so I better just stay put. I never have been a good housekeeper but everyone is used to it so Oh well!
Well, I have had several eye-opening events this past couple of months that have helped nudge me  out of my bubble and into that scary big world of the unknown! It IS scary, yet what new thing isn't?
First came the health issues. Another heart procedure. Yikes! This one knocked me for a loop, not one of those you can sprint out of the operating room and back into life feeling like nothing happened. Some might say I am a stubborn woman, I wouldn't say stubborn, just determined, and when my  health doesn't let me do what I feel I need to do then I get a tad bit frustrated. So how to fix it? Pay more attention to MY HEALTH. Yes, MY health. Ok, that means that Shana MUST take time to do some things for herself such as, going for walks, jogs, etc and maybe eating healthier and getting some sleep! And so enters the second big change for me~I LOVE my job! I LOVE the family I work with and the child I care for, however, driving 120 miles a day and working 12 hours a day is not beneficial to MY family and children. Thus, another new start! I am terribly excited to start my new job, make new friends, expand my skills! I will be home in time for dinner every night and see my boys off to school every morning!
As we move through the grieving process we come up against so very many new and unpleasant (at best) feelings to deal with. All we can do is try to move forward and take everyday as it comes. We might slip back sometimes but just know that you are not alone, and we all take this journey at our own pace. Someday, the sun is going to shine a little bit brighter and we will smile with true joy through the pain. There will ALWAYS be a hole in our hearts, an empty space in our lives, but new and different things will come and help, not to fill the hole, but to surround it with things that help us move on and live life again as much as we can. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but like all change, it takes time to find a "new normal". Submerge yourself in friends and family and learn to live again, the way our angels would want us to.

It seems as though life is separated these days into the years before Mason died and the years after Mason died. This is the second Christmas since he left us. It's hard to remember the 44 before that right now because the pain seems all encompassing. The drive home from work tonight seemed especially long. My thoughts were running in a circle, going over that awful morning over and over, all the details of that day running through my mind. Then came the "I wonders". I wonder if he would be saying more words now, I wonder if he would be walking with the walker now or crawling by himself. I wonder what he would look like.  Would he still like to cuddle? Would he still get a huge grin when he saw me walk into the room? I miss him so! I wish sometimes the pain would just go away, but I know it won't. It is exhausting and I don't WANT to feel it but it is a part of me it seems. Some days I think I am doing really well at dealing with it, then there are the "todays" when I feel like I am at square one. I tell myself I should be envious of that little guy, spending Jesus' birthday with him! How wonderful would that be? But there is still the part of me that knows I should have been spending Christmas with Jesus before Mason did. It is hard to fathom, there is no answer to why.  Even if there were, we would still question it and wish it weren't so. This is a learning experience I think. Well, I am trying to learn from it. I have learned that I can stand almost any pain thrown my way~emotionally at least. I've learned that God really does know how much we can handle even if we don't think we can. Maybe it is his way of encouraging us to lean on him more. Once we are done being angry with him for taking our child, because I know I was very angry, we come crawling back to him looking for comfort. And he is always there. He was there all along, we just didn't acknowledge it. If you think about it, how could you possibly live through losing a child without him? I know in my mind that Mason is up there in Heaven, running, talking, spending time with all of those who were waiting for him there and who came after. He's excited for us to get there but doesn't want us to come too soon. It hurts, A LOT. I would give anything for him to be back here with us, but nothing I give will bring him back. So we will carry on and try to learn how to live "after Mason died" even though there are times when I would rather not.
Merry Christmas my angel baby. I miss you terribly. Give Jesus a Happy Birthday hug from me and then give Nana and Grandad and Gramma and Grampa one too. I guess if I have to share you there are no better people to do it with. I'll see you someday.

It is so easy to let yourself get wrapped up in all of the sad feelings that come at this time of year as we think about the ones we no longer have here to celebrate with us.
Today I have had a wonderful, eye-opening day. My beautiful grand-daughter Ella spent the night with us last night. The new awareness she brought me this morning has made me feel like I just might be able to make it through the pain of losing one child, because I do still have 7 other grandbabies that I love so dearly!
First thing this morning, we were in the living room changing her diaper and she did the "cough". That cute little fake "cough" that babies do. Deven was standing there and he said with a beautiful smile, "Mom, remember Mason used to do that?"  I looked at him as a pain shot through me at that memory I saw the smile on his face.  My son, who is hurting just like me, was smiling at the memory of his son pretending to cough when we would change his diaper. Of course, my first thought was, "Oh no, this is going to make him sad!" But no, he was smiling. Yes, I'm sure it did make him sad, but he was smiling at that memory. I looked at Ella and she was smiling too. I had to laugh with them as we remembered how excited we were the first time Mason did that.
Later in the day, Miss Ella was enjoying her time with Nana so much that taking a nap was pretty much out of the question. However, after some serious rocking and singing, she gave up the battle and was snuggled up to me sleeping. Once again, my thoughts started to drift to Mason and tears filled my eyes as I remembered all the times I rocked him to sleep. I thought of how he would smile that big smile when he would look at me and see that I was watching him. Then I looked down at Ella, so peaceful in sleep, and wondered:
Have I been so wrapped up in the sadness of losing Mason that I haven't let myself enjoy this beautiful baby that is still here? Not that I will ever forget my precious boy, no, that will never happen. But maybe I need to spend more time smiling or at least trying to. And I mean REAL smiles, not the ones we paste on so people don't know how much we are still hurting. It won't happen overnight but maybe, just maybe, I will be able to someday smile and mean it.
The pain is there and always will be, but I think that the way I am dealing with it might be changing. I am trying to heal and that is the most challenging thing I have EVER done. But I truly believe that today was a step in the right direction.
To all of my precious grandchildren, I am so sorry if I have been distant, I will do better. You ALL mean the world to me and I love you more than you know. I cherish every minute I get to spend with each one of you.
To all of the rest of the angel mommies and daddies out there, we don't need to feel guilty when we have a happy moment. Oh, I know that is a HUGE request, how can we possibly feel joy when we are never again going to hold our child or see them smile or hear them laugh? But try to think of the joy they had when they were here. The joy WE felt when we would see theirs. That is the same joy they would feel now to see us experience happiness again. I know in my heart that Mason would never want me to feel sad. I also know that it is easier said than done to be happy at this point in my life, but I am trying. And that is all any of us can do, isn't it?

Holiday time is here!! This year I am beginning to look forward to Christmas. That is a BIG step since last year I really would rather have skipped it all together. They say that with time the pain will get better, I disagree. It doesn't get better, maybe more tolerable, maybe not as intense everyday, but definitly NOT better.
I was sitting here thinking about my extended family this morning. When I was young, our family would gather for the holidays, rotating from one grandparents house to the others from year to year. All of the Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and everyone else who might be in the neighborhood at the time would be there and it was a BIG party! We so looked forward to that! Time went by, I got married and then we had more families to work into the mix. Once the kids were born, we tended to stay home most of the time, it was so much easier than hauling everyones Christmas gifts halfway across the state. We were grown up now and had our own family to celebrate with. Then the kids grew up, moved away, had their own kids and went through the same cycle. The end result was this: My children barely know their cousins, aunts and uncles. They have no memories of the WHOLE family gathering together to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas, 30 kids running around like crazy little animals, having the time of their lives! They don't remember Grandad reading the story of the birth of Jesus and what seemed like forever until he prayed for everyone so we could open the gifts we all drew names for. Yes, they have memories of us and that is wonderful! But I wish for them the warm memories I have of my childhood. It is too late now to make the memories for them as children, but my goal is to make the memories for THEIR children. THat is part of why we go to the beach every summer. The WHOLE family is invited and we all get together for a week and just enjoy each other's company. We are making memories that I hope my children and grandchildren will cherish when they have their own grandchildren.
My message to you is this: Don't wait! Plan SOMETHING!! You never know if next year is going to be too late. Don't look back with regret over things you wish you had done, people you wish you had called or written to. They may not be there tomorrow to say "I love you" to.
This holiday season, call that aunt whose house you used to love to go to, or your favorite cousin that you haven't talked to for years. They are probably just as busy as you are living their lives but what a bright spot in the day to hear from someone who used to be such a big part of your life.
Losing Mason has taught me many lessons, some I didn't want to learn, others I am glad I realize now. One of the most important ones......DON'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW! Tomorrow may not come.
To all of my family and friends: I love you all and miss seeing those of you that live far away. Let's try to remedy that!!
 

I got the letter today. I have been waiting for what seems like an eternity but in reality was only a few months for this letter to come. All the forms I spent hours filling out, then more when the questions started coming, all of that led to this one letter I now held in my hand and was afraid to open!
I ran into the dining room where Bret was working and showed him~It's finally here!!!!
We both held our breath while I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter.
"We are pleased to inform you..."  WHOOT!!!!!! That was as far as I got!!! Now I realize not everyone would be so excited about a letter from the IRS but this was a huge stepping stone for us. We are now OFFICIALLY a non-profit organization with 501(c)(3) status!!!!!
We did it Baby boy!!!!!!!

Pardon me Lord,

I’m sure there’s been a mistake.

You called my little boy last night,

He never got to wake.

He was so young, you see,

Just starting on his way!

He found so much love and joy

In each and every day.

Certainly there was a mistake,

You called my precious boy!

He had no pain, no suffering

And so much more to give,

Please give to this some extra thought

And choose to let him live.

He had so much more to do here,

He should not be gone just yet.

Was it me? Did I do wrong?

I didn’t get to try too long.

I will do more, more hugs, more kisses

More stories at bedtime

More rocking, more tickles.

I’ll try to be all of the things that I missed

Please Lord, maybe just one more chance?

I’m certain there is confusion

At that glorious throne.

You have an extra angel there

When he should be at home.

Can we just go back in time a bit?

I’ll wait and let them know,

He’s not ready,

I’m not ready,

It just can’t be his time yet.